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Devastation (or why PC games are good for your social life)

Devastation is one of those games that game reviewers dread. I’m talking about white-knuckled, knees that haven’t seen sunlight in years trembling, sweaty nightmare inducing fear. This is the kind of game that can break even the hardest of reviewer. Kevin Cheung even came up with a genre for them - the 40 Winks genre. The type of game that has no reason to exist. At all.

I find it hard to make time to play PC games, as a rule. With the exception of Civilization 2 it’s damn near impossible for me to justify sitting in front of the PC and not be “working” (if you can even be as muddle-headed as I am to consider what I do to be “work”). I mean I used to play PC games a lot but that was before the days of always-connected Internet. I’m just sick to death of playing a game and trying to figure out what the hype was all about (hint: it usually ends with “mapping” or “frames per second” rather than anything to do with alleged gameplay) and then come back to about three hundred emails from editors who wanted something an hour ago (followed by a further three hundred calling me unprofessional and obviously not wanting to get paid) and IRC logs like this:

[AlysonHannigan] Gaz?

[AlysonHannigan] Gaz, are you there?

[AlysonHannigan] I heard you were my biggest fan in the world.

[AlysonHannigan] Then I saw your website and saw you mean ‘the fattest’

[AlysonHannigan] Hello

[AlysonHannigan] r u there?

[AlysonHannigan] hi. Gaz?

[AlysonHannigan] I guess you are ignoring me.

[AlysonHannigan] I’ll go now.

[AlysonHannigan] Hello?

[AlysonHannigan] jkjkl;djf;kjds;fkljdsfjk;dsf

[AlysonHannigan] Bye

[AlysonHannigan] This is the last time I will ever be online, ever.

So to hell with that.

So I try to make a concerted effort to play Devastation on the work PC during my lunch break. One lunch break was already wasted with the install and ten minutes went by loading the first level while some Eminem guy stars at me broodingly in the loading screen. Off to a good start. OK, the title screen comes up and I spend the next ten minutes turning off all the video settings. I don’t know what anti-aliased mip-mapped interpolation bilinear filtering is but it’ll probably just make me depressed anyway. Apparently the big rage in PC games these days is to make everything look as blurry as possible. I already own a Nintendo 64 so I’m OK with leaving all that off.

The game starts and I’m treated with an overwrought, self indulgent piece of claptrap that would have looked tired and generic back in 2000AD magazine back in the ‘80s. Blah blah tyrannical government blah blah apocalyptic future blah blah small band of freedom fighters blah blah you’re the only hope blah blah. I wouldn’t be complaining about such a hackneyed plot if not for two things:

One, that the game goes on and on and on about this for far too long, and:

Two, it actually takes itself seriously.

I really don’t have a problem with a game setting itself in the clichéd broken future – come on, most of the games I play take place in a Mushroom Kingdom where you can throw fireballs and ride a green dinosaur that makes eggs out of fruit. I just have a problem with the boring way it presents it all.

An hour later and I’ve played through the first segment of the game, which quite nicely introduces the gameplay mechanics through mini objectives. Neat way to disguise a tutorial, actually. But I can’t say it was actually any fun. Jump puzzles where you can’t see your character aren’t a good way to spend your time – ask anyone who played Half Life: Blue Shift. I’m told that the game gets really good a few hours into it (and I checked – it does, in that hey-it-beats-thinking kind of way), but that still doesn’t wash. I’m sorry, I play games to have fun with my limited time. I mean it’s not like a CD where the first ten songs suck but the last two really kick ass – I can’t skip things in a game. Half Life had a half hour intro sequence that was basically a video you could look around in but at least it was interesting.

But maybe I’m looking at things the wrong way. Of course! I should be more positive. Just think: Instead of complaining about the longwinded cutscenes that go on about forever for no good reason you can just use the time to spend with your loved ones. You can go on a camping trip and enjoy the miracles of nature while the game installs. While others spend their parent’s money on GeForceFX2 9500 Plus Overclock cards, you can just buy a roll of cling wrap, wrap it around your head and then hold up a ball of alfoil near your eyes to enjoy the real time reflective bump maps and awesome poly count.

Think of the savings!

Think of the socialising opportunities!

Think of the time better spent than playing average games that I wouldn’t have even been talking about if not for the fact I got it for free!

And to think there are actually some days where I miss being a full-time game “journalist”…

There’s nothing wrong with Devastation. Really, there isn’t. The graphics are fine, I guess. The gameplay’s…OK. It all works in its own little way and it’s hard to complain about anything. It’s not bad, it’s not good and it’s not - well, anything really. It inspires no reaction of any kind whatsoever, which is why it’s such a torture to write about. And come on, how can anyone play this after seeing the Half Life 2 videos?

  posted by Gazunta · at 11:41 pm · filed under Editorials